My fellow Country-men,
You assemble this July in order to settle a question which has seized the full interest of not only the citizens of the great state of Oregon, but has also quickened the attention of the body of citizens of these United States. The primacy of Slabtown or Lemati is in the balance, gentlemen and ladies, and it falls to you -- and only to you -- to determine which town is to emerge triumphant.
The ramifications of this question are profound, and will undoubtedly prove to hold vast influence over the very course of this nation's history. Nevertheless, I shall rest assured that the superior town shall carry the day, as my certain knowledge of the unrivaled skills and wisdom held by the citizens of both Slabtown and Lemati gives solace to my fears. I can imagine no better hands in which to place such a decision.
I have instructed the functionaries of the Government to redouble their efforts to put all Federal affairs in order before that fateful third weekend in July. This is a necessary precaution, as I foresee that business in the District of Columbia will undoubtedly come to a halt while all of your countrymen anxiously await the first telegram to reveal the final disposition of this conflict. Indeed, I have been made aware that that the Chief Justice and the Vice President have a substantial wager riding upon the outcome, but, as it would be unseemly to reveal the details of said agreement, I fear I must leave further curiosity cruelly unrequited.
Good citizens, the eyes of the nation are upon you. Go forth, Americans, Oregonians, Bohemians. Go forth and do your duty, and may the best town win.
President of the United States